Just a Tweak: Jan and Marie, Part Two: Innocence

"Jan," I said, "in this relationship, are you the screw-up to Marie’s paragon?"

They both looked a bit confused by this direct accusatory question, but since my facilitation and intention of this step so far had gone so well, I think they gave me some slack with my rudeness.

"Yes, I guess," Jan said.

“So, Marie are you tired of mothering an impulsive Jan who, like an adolescent, says I’m sorry, but he keeps on screwing up?"

"Yes, I am," she said empathetically. "It’s lonely being the only adult in the family."

"I wonder if you would let me help you down from your paragon pedestal?"

"I suppose," she said.

"Take this last apology from Jan. You deserved that apology. But what about Jan’s feelings and his wish that his wife could know that she is loved; that he would never hurt her and just let him have his tantrums knowing that he's just venting, letting off steam. Is your allowing yourself to be hurt by Jan, a man who means you no harm, who dearly loves you—is this not an 'insult to Jan'?"

"I suppose," she said.

"I feel it as an insult," Jan said. "I’ve been her loyal devoted husband, coparent, provider, curmudgeon husband for over twenty years. You would think she would know by now that I would never hurt her. But she doesn’t and I must grab myself by the shoulders and rein myself in my irascible nature. I’m going to try, but that’s going to take time. I wish she would just accept that irascible part of me and find a way to love me. It does hurt that she can’t.”

"And I can understand that" I said. "Can you, Marie?"

"Yes, I can," she said. "I knew what he and his family were like when I married him. I thought that I could change him. And I haven’t been able to. I guess I was wrong to expect that."

"Now you just came down from your pedestal, Marie. How does that feel?"

"It feels great to me," Jan said. "I never thought I would hear that."

“So Marie, how do you feel? You are part of this mess too. This is where intimacy exists. It doesn’t exist in being good or perfect. Intimacy only happens among sinners. So how does it feel to lose your innocence?”

"I’m surprised," she said. " I feel lighter, as if I don’t have to carry the world on my shoulders alone. I don’t have to always know the right thing by myself. It makes me respect Jan more. We’re both silly, aren’t we? He’s silly to have five-year-old temper tantrums and I’m silly for taking them seriously."

"It gives you power in the relationship to be Jan’s innocent victim. And maybe sometimes you like this paragon power."

"I suppose I have enjoyed this role of standing in judgment, but it gets old and lonely."

“And Jan your refusal to grow up and became an adult who can regulate his emotions has given away your power to Marie. Your refusal to change and respond to a reasonable request to behave civilly only reinforced Marie’s paragon role.”

“This paragon/screw-up dance became your norm. Neither of you knew how to stop this music.”

“And all you had to do, Jan, was grow up. And all you had to do, Marie, was join in the mess and see that you are sometimes a screw-up too. Innocence and righteousness can sometimes become evil.”